Ya girl is navigating some darkness, friends.

And I’m going to write about it because I believe that’s what balanced truth-telling is: equal transparency about the ups AND the downs. Celebrating life when you’re in a savoring season. Owning it when things don’t feel like they’re going your way.

What’s hard for me, as I shift from a prolonged savoring season into what appears to be a growth season, is that there’s something inside of me that equates “feeling good” with succeeding and “feeling bad” with failing.

So, when I wrote freely about how much hormones were kicking my butt and then about how tough ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome was – there was a part of me that felt like I “succeeded” when I got myself back to a place of feeling good.

And, for a week and a half, I lived in “feeling good.” From Friday, March 8th, when I had my first appointment with the new healer I’m working with (she’s amazing) until Sunday night, I felt freaking great. I went on walks and contemplated the beauty of the human experience. I generated massive amounts of energy from doing my work. I cried over humans doing human-y things because I was so attuned to how incredible life on Earth is.

Then, on Sunday, someone looked at me wrong and I descended into darkness. Heavy, dense, not fun emotions.

So I now have to confront this thing inside of me that says that “feeling good” is succeeding and “feeling bad” is failing. Because, deep down, I know that isn’t true.

These horrible, awful, intense feelings that I’m experiencing – I don’t want to run from them.

I mean, I really want to run from them because this blows and I don’t want to feel this way.

But I also begrudgingly accept that true freedom – the kind of freedom that I desire: freedom from suffering – it comes from walking THROUGH this fire. From going into the heart of the uncomfortable feelings instead of trying to sidestep them.

And what I want at this moment, more than anything else, is space and permission to go into the heart of this fire. To create a little spiritual retreat for myself, where I can meditate and contemplate and alchemize.

Where I intentionally stop distracting myself. Where I don’t run from these feelings. Where I let them in. Where I witness and allow them.

And do you know something critically important? This approach isn’t always the right solution.

It happens to be the right solution for me because I’m emerging from a prolonged savoring season. I’m well-resourced. I have support. My nervous system is up for handling a season of going into the fire.

But for a lot of my friends? A lot of the clients I work with? Past versions of me?

This would be the worst thing they could do. There are instances where distraction is the right answer. Where sidestepping the storming maelstrom of suck is the wisest path.

And I think we live in a society where there’s a lot of black-and-white thinking. A lot of “this is the right way and this is the wrong way.”

But there’s no such thing.

So I’m going to be over here suffering because I believe that letting the suffering in is the best path forward for me at this moment in time.

In a few years, when I’m dripping with babies and managing a bigger business and in a completely different season – it’s possible that going into the fire would be the exact wrong solution because I would CATCH ON FIRE AND YIKES.

I have thoughts on how to tell which approach is right, but I’ll save those for another day.

Love,

Your friend who was bitter, resentful, petty, unkind, miserly and teenage-brat-y this morning and who will probably be that way again in another hour

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Morning Musings is a delight-first writing practice where I put my fingers on the keyboard and try to access my inner knowing. When life is great, I write. When life feels hard, I write. Mostly… I write. If anything I write resonates with you, please share it freely.

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