With a little egomania for fun

I’m not the world’s most people-y person. 

I’m an introvert or an ambivert or whatever word best helps other people who also don’t feel like a people-y person to know that this blog post is for them.

For me, it’s a bit of a conundrum. I know, without a single iota of doubt, that I am the happiest and healthiest version of myself when I have strong relationships. All of the world’s researchers go on and on (and on and on) about it: nothing impacts our happiness more than the quality of our relationships and the strength of our community. Nothing.

But…

There are few things I enjoy more than being alone, reading, writing, taking wiggly walks and playing with ideas. Perhaps my daily diatribes have shown you that I’m quite into that?

So, for me, there’s an effort-reward ratio challenge. When I do things by myself, I’m all but guaranteed to enjoy myself. I don’t know that I’ve ever, for a single moment, been bored in my own company. (Minus quarantine, that is. Being locked in a room for two weeks does something unpleasant to me.)

When I people—that’s not a guarantee. I can’t count the number of times that I’ve forced myself to be social, only to come home feeling worse than if I had just stayed in.

But my reality, my very real lived reality, combined with heaps and heaps of compelling data assure me that the life I want for myself includes strong, deep, nourishing relationships. In-person ones, at that. There are only so many hours that I can sit in front of a screen.

Since I recently moved to a new country and have had to put some elbow grease into building my in-person community, this topic has been top of mind for me lately. This also means that Sam has spent a lot of time listening to me yammer on and on about it.

And, the other night, while he was trying to understand exactly what I was looking for (moony eyes–Enneagram Type 4’s love it when others try to understand them), he asked a clarifying question.

While I danced around our living room with stroke-like grace (IT’S CALLED NONLINEAR MOVEMENT AND IT’S GOOD FOR YOU), a contemplative look came over his face. “You know,” he said, “When you talk about the community you want, it sometimes sounds like you just want to be surrounded by people who admire you.”

I nodded. Yes, please. That sounds great.

Then he continued. “Is that what you’re looking for? Because I’m not sure that’s actually community.” 

I paused, confused. How is wanting the people you surround yourself with to admire you not community? 

Then I remembered the Gore Vidal quote that has fixed SO MANY confusing moments in my life: "I sometimes think it is because they are so bad at expressing themselves verbally that writers take to pen and paper in the first place."

My verbal communication skills had come up short again. Sam hates it when people surround themselves with only “yes people” and he wanted to make sure that I wasn’t aiming for that.

“Of course I want to be surrounded by people who admire me,” I said, before filling in the missing piece: “Just like I want to admire them. I want a community that’s based on mutual admiration. I want us all to feel like we have to pinch ourselves after spending time together. I want all of us to go home wondering, ‘How did I get so lucky?!’”

I want this because I haven’t had it for so many chapters of my life. You’ve all listened to me ramble on about the kind of things I like to talk about. I can’t just walk into any dinner party and expect to be a hit. So many people (so many!) find my interests heavy, dull, or otherwise inappropriate for general gatherings. I can think of multiple people, right this moment, who would groan if they showed up to a gathering and the only open seat left was the one next to me.

However, I also have had communities based on mutual admiration in many chapters of my life. Where I’ve left gatherings wanting to pinch myself and knew that the rest of the group did as well.

Pretty easy to decide which experience I want more of…

So, sticking with the theme of ego-mania for the week, I’m posting this winding ditty about how I do want to be admired by the people in my life. No shame in my game.

I believe mutual admiration is a valid criterion for community. An important one even. So I wish it for me. I wish it for you. And I hope we all find it.

Because, for a not-so-people-y person like me, it’s essential. I love being alone. Love. It. But I need people. Just like every other human on this planet needs people. And, because of the way I was built, I have to spend a wee bit of time thinking about things like the “effort-reward ratio of social engagements” (which, by the way, is my idea of a good time), then figuring out how to make socializing as rewarding as possible.

Does everyone have to do that? Nope. But my entire life philosophy in this chapter is about acknowledging the truth of our individual realities. Not polishing, pretending, or otherwise playing small. So if it’s true, then it’s true. No shame, guilt, or wishing things were different required.

I wish this for you.

I wish this for me.

I wish this for all beings everywhere.

And I also pray that the writing gods send me some lighthearted, sassy words because my brothers will stop reading if I don’t post any of those soon.