Do any of you know how to gently, compassionately and firmly say any of the following?

“Thanks, but no thanks. That’s not a priority for me right now.”

“That sounds like a worthy undertaking, but it’s not a good fit for me, so I’m going to decline.”

“It’s not a strong yes for me, so I’m going to pass.”

I’m asking because I want to learn how to use them. A year from now, I want future Keely to have mastered those phrases.

I especially want to her to know how to use this important phrase: “I was a yes, but things have since changed and now I’m a no.” That one is so tough for me. So is the gentler, “I’m still a yes, but I’m not a yes right now. I’m taking the next for weeks/months to focus on my highest priorities and I won’t be available during that time.”

For most of my life, I’ve been an avoider. I would happily use a little white lie to extract myself from a situation I didn’t want to be in. Or I’d just ghost.

I’d say yes, then give an, “I’m so sorry, but something came up and I can’t make it.”

I’d pretend that I was going to get back to you, then never respond.

Or I’d say yes and bitterly follow through, knowing I actually wanted to say no.

While it is very much a me problem, meaning the solution lies with me, I don’t think it’s a “me-only problem.” I don’t think I’m the only adult human who struggles with these things. I think this affects a lot of us.

For me, the particularly interesting component is wanting to stand in my power. I don’t like to pretend that I’m a victim when I know full well that I’m not.

I don’t want to say things like, “Sorry, I’m just too busy right now.” Because, the truth is, I’m intentionally not busy. The Universe and my husband have gifted me with a beautifully spacious life and I’m intensely grateful. I like living this way.

And, even if I do ever go back to having a busy life, the truth would still come down to prioritization. If I really want something, I’m going to make time for it. Offer me a free spa day and see how quickly a day on my calendar opens up.

Utimately, that’s what I think this comes down to: priorities. Understanding what’s most important and prioritizing those things. 

As a human who lives amongst other humans, I’ve found that communicating my priorities is where I need to focus my attention in this stage of my journey. Not because I owe anyone anything or because I have to grovel and beg for time for myself. That’s not how my life works, thanks goodness.

Simply because I value harmonious relationships. I value standing in integrity. I value transparency and authenticity.

And, without learning how to effectively communicate my priorities, I’m finding it hard to live within my value system.

So I’m working on it. Practicing. Or at least trying to.

Stephen Covey, the author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, has a great “paradigm shift” video for anyone who feels bogged down by the thousand little tasks that fill up most of our calendars. I highly recommend investing two to four minutes watching it, depending on what speed setting you use when watching videos.

Thanks, Sneh, for the values system insight.