As many of you know, Sam and I want babies. Cuddly little bundles of newborn joy.

You may also know that I thought that getting pregnant in my mid-thirties would be a breeze and that we’d have our little ball of newborn squish nine months after we announced ourselves ready to become parents.

Isn’t there a saying that starts “If you want to make God laugh…”?

But anyway. I’m here with my writer cap on, letting you know how I’m addressing things not going to plan.

Are you ready?

I am going around the world, seeking out 18-year-olds and asking them for advice.

“You there,” I say to the high schooler bagging my groceries. “I’m having fertility issues and I want your opinion on how to proceed.”

“Stop!” I screech to the college freshman from my perch in the university bookstore. “Don’t leave! I need your advice.”

“What do you think about the relative merits of IVF versus adoption versus surrogacy?” I continue.

I especially like it when I can find an 18-year-old who’s addicted to heroin and ask them. I feel, in my heart of hearts, that they are truly able to put aside everything that’s going on in their life and give me their full attention. Especially if I manage to catch them while they’re in withdrawal. I spend so much time in drug neighborhoods these days, just looking for ripe targets to ask all my burning questions.

I can’t imagine a wiser way to go about it. Who better to help me decide how to proceed than someone who has never thought about any of the challenges I’m facing? Someone who has neither lived experience nor any knowledge on the subject, that’s who!

Alas, I’ve fallen into old habits and find myself writing a satire piece. Because there is basically nothing more ridiculous than what I’m proposing. Who in their right mind would ask a heroin-addicted 18-year-old for their opinion on IVF versus adoption? That kid has plenty of wisdom and insight to offer on certain topics. Fertility isn’t one of them.

In recovery circles, it’s common to hear people say, “You don’t go shopping for shampoo at the Home Depot.”

It’s a little abstract, but the wisdom is sound: when you’re in the market for shampoo, you go to a store that sells shampoo. 

When you’re in the market for anything (including advice, acceptance or love), you go to a source who is able to offer it.

The saying gets tossed around so much because people in recovery know how to laugh at themselves. “I did it again,” they’ll say. “I know that my mom will never approve of my lifestyle, and yet I want to her seeking approval once again. I went to the Home Depot looking for shampoo.”

Can you perhaps relate?

The way that I used to do it was by comparing myself to Sam and my friend Julie. Back when I was still battling chronic depression, I’d look at them and beat the bejeezus out of myself.

“They work more hours than I do,” I’d note. “They wake up earlier, they work harder and they still manage to have energy at the end of the day. They want to spend their weekends enjoying life and I want to spend mine hiding under the covers. What’s wrong with me that’s right with them?”

Spoiler: I had depression and they didn’t. That’s what was different.

Therefore, the way that they lived their lives – it was irrelevant to me. I didn’t need any tips on how to thrive as a non-depressed person. I needed help overcoming depression. Looking to them for insight on how to overcome depression – shopping for shampoo at the Home Depot.

I’m writing about it this morning because of the positive feedback I got on yesterday’s “Orchids Need Orchids” musing. The reminder that those of us who are sensitive to our environments (orchids) can’t compare ourselves to those of us who are born with hearty resilience (dandelions) landed well, so I want to drive the point home.

If you are seeking advice, approval, or permission-slip-signing from someone who has neither lived experience nor earned wisdom on the subject you’re struggling with, it’s going to be painful.

Not because your partner doesn’t care or because your mom wants to ruin your life – simply because it’s unreasonable to expect someone who doesn’t have those prerequisites to fully grasp your situation.

That’s as silly as shopping for shampoo at the Home Depot (or asking an 18-year-old bent on scoring heroin whether or not you should pursue IVF).

Please. Be kinder to yourself than that. The human experience can be so very wonderful when we stop making it unnecessarily hard.

Wishing you wise council and a supportive tribe,

Keely