Rage Veins, Boundaries & Opening Your Mouth

You know how people drawing blood sometimes tap on your veins to make them stand out? One of my brothers used to do that to his forehead vein.

He’s one of those people that gets a big ol’ pulsing “rage vein” on his forehead. When he’s angry, that sucker stands out.

To make me laugh, he used to tap on it while saying, “Come at me bro,” and making crazy eyes at whoever made him mad.

Now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t actually remember if he was doing it to make me laugh, or if that was an intimidation tactic, a la the prison yard, and my life was in danger. Either way, it made me dissolve in a puddle of giggles. Absurd, my brothers.

***

I, however, wasn’t born with a rage vein. So people can’t just look at my face and know if I’m angry. I have to do lame adult things, like use my words.

Which can be tough, because I came into adulthood with all sorts of hang-ups about anger. It’s an emotion I haven’t learned how to harness, much less express.

Bleh.

***

A while back, I came face-to-face with my struggles working with and expressing anger.

I found myself getting angry whenever anyone would interrupt my writing time. “Can’t you see I’m doing something important here?” I’d think. Then I’d make it more dramatic. “Also, can’t you see that you’re ruining my morning? Writing isn’t a start-and-stop activity. If I’m in the flow and you say something to me, the next sentence disappears. Then I’m no longer in the zone. All the fun I was having goes out the window.”

Then, because I was trained to examine my own part in situations, I’d start to question myself. “Am I overreacting here?” I’d wonder. “Aren’t human-to-human interactions more important than whatever I’m doing on the computer?”

So I’d swallow my anger and try to be a “good human” by prioritizing the person in front of me instead of the blank page.

***

Spoiler alert: that was the wrong approach.

Yes, human-to-human interaction is important. 70% of our happiness is supposedly derived from the quality of our relationships.

However, prioritizing relationships isn’t the same thing as being constantly available. I can be a good wife, friend, daughter, mother, leader, employee, human and take time for myself. Boundaries are our friend.

When I’m writing, I’m engaging in a sacred practice. It’s like praying for me. It’s how I connect with something bigger than myself and find peace. When I write, I’m able to show up as the wife, friend and human I want to be. When I don’t, it’s much harder.

For you, that sacred practice might be exercise, or kid-free time with girlfriends, or meditating, or cleaning out your partner’s toe jam. Whatever. If it helps you be the version of yourself you like best, no judgment here.

***

Eventually, I figured out how to work with my anger and communicate what was going on.

“When I’m writing, I’m engaging in a sacred practice. If you wouldn’t interrupt someone who was in church praying, please don’t interrupt me.”

That’s all it took. Now I don’t get angry when people interrupt me because no one interrupts me. I told the people closest to me how I want to be treated and they listened. Thank goodness. If they didn’t, we’d have a bigger problem to address.

***

My friend Paritosh shared this quote on Facebook recently and it really resonated with me:

“Your boundary need not always be an angry electric fence that shocks those who touch it. It can be a consistent light around you that announces: I will be treated sacredly.”

- Jaiya John

Please, my friends, figure out what being treated sacredly means to you. Then share it with the people in your life.

If they’re the right people, they’ll want to know. They’ll say thank you and help you carve out the time for whatever it is you want.

And please do the same for them. It’s just as important for me to know what being “treated sacredly” means for my husband and friends as it is for them to know what it means for me.

Relationships work so much better when we open our mouths instead of being mad that someone’s crossed a boundary we haven’t communicated. Unless you have a rage vein. Then don’t worry about any of this. Just tap on that baby and scare the people in your life into submission.