And Then I Became a Bitter Hag: A Cautionary Tale From a Writer Who Stopped Writing

A few years ago, I found myself captivated. I was fully and thoroughly ensorceled.

The ensorceler?

Writing. Writing personal narrative style blog posts, specifically.

In the morning, I would sit down at the keyboard, sipping coffee while I mulled over whatever was going on in my life. Sometimes I’d dive into events from the past, trying to connect the dots on how and why things unfolded the way they did. Other times, I’d reflect on things that had happened more recently.

No matter what the topic, I enjoyed the process of creating. I liked crafting metaphors and playing with words. I liked plumbing the depths of my psyche and seeing what lived in my subconscious.

I loved being on the lookout for things to write about and remembering that the world is an interesting place full of lessons to mine. I loved capturing the wisdom of friends and strangers, then sharing it in a blog post.

Most especially, I cherished the magical alchemy that came from the act of writing. It taught me how to become the hero of my own story instead of yielding to the temptation to see myself as a victim of my circumstances.

Writing empowered me. It made me wiser, kinder, quicker to laugh and more playful.

It transformed me into someone I really (really) enjoyed being.

And then I got off track.

Guilt, Shame and Misprioritization: A Cautionary Tale

I got caught up in the process of building a business and stopped sitting down to write in the morning. I tried to prioritize this precious time, but failed. I didn’t set or hold boundaries. I got swept away.

So for two years, I only wrote sporadically. I went from being someone who showed up at the keyboard every morning to someone who could go months without writing.

And I suffered.

I suffered and I suffered and I suffered.

I watched with horror as I regressed in my personal growth.

I went from being someone I thoroughly enjoyed being to someone I didn’t particularly care for.

I burned out and kept digging myself into deeper and deeper holes.

Getting Back on Track

Thankfully, with the help of loved ones, I found a way out. I owned my truth and shared that starting the business was a mistake. Well, if we’re being impeccable with our word, starting the business was fine — I founded a nonprofit social enterprise that helps women in recovery and I was probably the right person to start it.

Continuing to run it was the mistake. I knew that it wasn’t right for me but felt like I’d be disappointing people if I stepped down. So I tried to make it work. And tried to make it work. And tried. And tried…

Then I surrendered.

It wasn’t working.

No big deal, in the grand scheme of things. I’m not a bad person. It’s not a bad organization. There was just misalignment. What was best for the company wasn’t what was best for me. What was best for me wasn’t what was best for the company.

I worked with the Board of Directors to find a win-win solution and we started the search for my replacement. I stayed on as a board member and now help with strategic initiatives as well as offer perspective, while a talented team of women run the day-to-day operations. It’s a much better fit.

Now I have space in my life and I’m back to writing.

I have no idea where it will go.

I have hopes and dreams, of course. Lots of them.

A Writing Fairy Tale

One of my favorite writing stories is Glennon Doyle’s tale. In July 2009, Glennon started posting personal narrative essays on a Blogspot page called “Momastery.” Every morning for a few years, she got up before the rest of her family, sipped her coffee and reflected on what was going on in her world.

She wrote for a couple of hours, then hit publish. She didn’t care if that day’s blog post was perfect, she only cared if she was telling the truth, if she was sharing her insides in a vulnerable and honest way.

Then, in January 2012, a blog post called “Don’t Carpe Diem” went viral. All of a sudden, Glennon’s musings were in front of millions of people. She got a book deal and speaking engagements and became friends with Liz Gilbert and Oprah.

She’s transformed countless lives with her words, mine included. She uses her platform to draw attention to important causes and has made an insane impact in the world.

And she’s been rewarded for it. Oprah is turning one of her books into a movie and her latest memoir has sold more than 2 million times. There’s talk of a TV show being in the works.

Not too bad for a hobby that started out as a morning ritual. A hobby that, first and foremost, served Glennon. It helped her stay sane, to have an outlet for all her thoughts and feelings when her primary role in life was raising children who weren’t yet old enough to discuss life’s greater mysteries.

It helped her learn who she was and what she cared about.

It helped her to feel seen and heard and understood and, ultimately, it connected her with her tribe.

It helped her, period.

And, by helping herself, she helped others. Then she was rewarded with abundance.

Doesn’t sound too shabby to me.

Applying It to My Own Life

I’m also going to try this routine. I’m going to write and hit publish — even when the blog post isn’t perfect, even when I’m not yet sure how to articulate exactly what I’m thinking and feeling.

Because I know that writing helps me.

I also know that other people being willing to learn in public has helped me. And maybe, just maybe, being willing to do the same will help a few other people. Or a lot of other people, if a Glennon-style fairy tale is in the cards for me.

I don’t know what my path holds. But I do know that I’ve sat in front of the fire in sacred ceremony and committed to walking the path of a writer. The path has been blessed by a shaman I respect and I’ve made the internal pledge to honor my commitment.

So no more starting businesses willy nilly and getting off track. No more letting other things come first. No more letting fear or uncertainty or a lack of clarity stop me.

I’m going to write and hit publish because I like who I am when I do that.

I’m going to write and hit publish because I’m curious what will happen if I do it consistently.

I’m going to write and hit publish because it’s the next right thing to do.

For Other Writers and Creators

If you feel a calling towards creating, please (please, please, please) do the same. Carve out precious time to create. Then put your work out there. You don’t need a grand scheme or strategy. I certainly don’t have one.

But you do need to create when you’re called to it. We all do. If we ignore that calling, we become lesser versions of ourselves. Sadder versions of ourselves. And, one day, we may end up on our deathbeds wondering what could have happened if only we took a chance.

So, let’s take a chance together. I’m taking mine by writing and publishing.

My question for you:

Is there some creative venture you want to pursue, but not? If so, what’s in the way?