Movin’ On Up

Lil’ baby Sam & Keely

“What’s this?” Sam asked, holding up an open notebook.

It’s late 2014 and we’re in our apartment in Washington, DC. (Sam, after trusting me to give the “yay or nay” on moving in: “Uh, hey babe? Did you sign a lease on an apartment that doesn’t have a bed?” I did. I did indeed. And we slept quite well on that sleeper couch, didn’t we?)

The notebook in his hand had a rough outline for a video. Opening scene: headstand. Dialogue: “Hi, I’m Keely and I’m your next Director of Marketing.”

I flushed, mortified, before snatching the notebook out of his hand. I didn’t intend to leave it sitting out. But I did, so now I had to explain.

“There’s a job in Thailand I plan on applying for,” I said. “I’m not qualified for it, so I’m building a website to convince them to give me a chance.”

Sam paused, considering and discarding at least ten responses before he found one that wasn’t incendiary. “There’s a job in Thailand,” he said, “That you plan on applying for?”

We had been dating for three years at that point. Three. Years.

And Sam, my partner, was finding out that I planned on applying for a job in a different country only because he found a notebook I accidentally left out.

Not because I sent him the job opening as soon as I saw it.

Not because I brought it up and asked for his input.

But because I accidentally left out something I intended to hide.

And, if you read the beginning carefully, you’ll notice that my response to him finding my notebook was mortification. There I was, with an exciting dream, one that I had every intention of pursuing, and I was mortified for my partner to find out.

One of my favorite compliments is when people tell me, “I just can’t imagine that version of you.” When I told Sneh and Gyula how I used to communicate (namely by not communicating), they just shook their heads in disbelief. “Knowing you now,” they said, “I can’t believe it. You’re a whole different person.”

And I am. I am, in vitally important ways, a whole different person than the Keely that planned on applying for a job in a different country without telling her partner.

It’s part of the reason I write and publish daily. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings–and I’m not really the biggest talker. But, since I value communication, I’ve worked hard to find a way that works for me.

Back then, I didn’t know how to express myself. I didn’t know how to say, “Here’s my truth.” And, honestly, I didn’t really value relationships as much as I do now.

So I didn’t know how to tell Sam, “I’m miserable in DC. I am drained and depleted and depression is kicking my behind. Every instinct I have is screaming at me to pursue this opportunity and I want to do it because it might save my life.”

Instead, I just came up with a plan on my own, then pursued it.

Sam’s the forgiving sort, so it all worked out (he knew I wasn’t being malicious–we both trust that the other is a human doing the best they can at the time. Once we know better, we do better).

My website worked. It convinced the team in Thailand to give me a chance and I moved there in February of 2015. It took a heavy toll on our relationship, but the Universe intervened before it completely crumbled, and I moved back to the US six months earlier than I planned to.

My move also worked. Thailand was the turning point for me. It gave me a reprieve from my chronic depression and it showed me, without a shadow of a doubt, that I had situational depression, not clinical. My depression was trying to teach me that I was living a life out of alignment. Once I started living a life in alignment, it went away.

There are a hundred good reasons why I didn’t use to communicate, just like there are a hundred good reasons for why I prioritize communication now.

Back in 2014, I didn’t trust the people in my life to support and encourage me because, frankly, they didn’t support and encourage me. Thanks to my history with addiction, I was the “identified patient” and my unconventional ideas about how to thrive scared the people who loved me. Thanks to depression, which left me drained, I didn’t have the energy to try to change anyone’s mind or convince them that I had good reasons for my actions. I just had an inner knowing about what would work for me and enough stubbornness (courage?) to pursue it.

Today, things are different. I fully trust the people in my life to support and encourage me because they have a proven track record of doing so. I don’t keep my hopes and dreams to myself. I share them–widely. Just like I share basically everything.

That shift: it’s because of communication.

Communication, communication, communication. Such a valuable skill to learn and practice.

It’s top of mind for me today because yesterday Sam and I had an “are we in alignment?” conversation. Living abroad in a country with closed borders is frustrating and we struggle with it. I don’t want to turn to Sam one day and say, “I’m done. We need to leave now.” Or worse, have him find an open notebook that says that.

So we talk. And talk. And talk. We put our heads together to find solutions that work for both of us, then we pursue them. And, if 2014 Keely and Sam were to watch us, their minds would be blown.

Sam of 2014 would also be thrilled to see that we have not just ONE bed, but TWO. Soon to be THREE when Shrek furnishes our Pennsylvania bedroom. (Just confirming—we’re getting the master, right Shrek?)

Movin’ on up, Sam of 2014. Movin’ on up.