Thanks, But No Thanks

Photo by Marcus Loke on Unsplash

“Here, have one,” my friend said, pushing the plate of pastries towards me. We were in a meeting and the host had just left the room to get me a cup of coffee.

“No thanks,” I responded. “I’m not a sweets in the morning person. I prefer to have my sweets after dinner.”

Then he sighed, looking disappointed as he reached for one. “Well one of us has to have one. He went to the trouble of getting them for us.”

I scrunched up my nose, probably looking as baffled as I felt, but I didn’t have time to reply. Our host was back, my cup of coffee in his hand.

“Thank you,” I said, delighted. I love coffee and accepted with genuine enthusiasm when he offered me some.

The pastries though? I didn’t get that. Sure, I recognized that the host was being polite by offering something for us to snack on and I appreciated his thoughtfulness. But, in my worldview, there was no obligation to accept. I didn’t want any, so I politely declined. NBD.

My friend, however, had a different worldview. Because the host had gone to the trouble of getting the pastries, one of us had to accept. Since it wasn’t going to be me, he took one for the team.

Noble of him, in many ways. But so weird to me. So, so weird.

Wasn’t that just creating a destructive cycle? Was the host going to provide more pastries next time we met because he thought my friend enjoyed them? And the next time? And the next time?

Wasn’t it better to just nip it in the bud? I can’t imagine any healthy, well-adjusted adult being offended by another adult saying, “No thanks, I’m not a sweets in the morning person.” Or, “Thanks so much for getting these, it was really kind of you, but I’m going to pass.”

But humans are weird about food, just like they’re often weird about being polite.

I know because I’m a human and I struggle with it.

At this very moment, I am actively pondering ways to politely tell two women that I’ve bonded with, “Hey, tomorrow, I’m going to do my own thing during breakfast.”

Both of them are fascinating women. I thoroughly enjoyed our time together. Most of all, I appreciated them inviting me to join them for breakfast since I’m traveling alone.

And…I don’t really talk to other humans in the morning.

I have a morning routine that fills my heart with gladness and the timing matters. When I start my day with my cherished routine, I reliably find flow. When I do other things first, it’s hit or miss. Therefore, I want to sit in the restaurant, where the friendly hotel staff keeps my coffee cup full, and do my morning musings.

But I don’t want to be rude. I don’t want them to think I didn’t enjoy our conversation or that I’m not grateful to them for including me.

I want to provide former blog posts as evidence, so that I can say, “It’s not you, it’s me. I don’t even talk to my dearest friends in the morning.”

And maybe I will. One of the gifts of being a writer is that your thoughts and feelings are already down on paper so you don’t have to reinvent the wheel every time.

But here’s the real thing I want to get to: so far as I can tell, there are a lot of people in our society who want to break free of societal conditioning.

People who read books like Untamed (Glennon Doyle), The Way of Integrity (Martha Beck), and Women who Run with the Wolves (Clarissa Pinkola Estés).

People who yearn to be free, to live authentically, to feel the effervescent joy that comes from living in alignment.

And…we struggle to say simple things like, “No thanks, I don’t care for a pastry right now,” or, “I’m going to spend my morning doing the thing that makes my heart soar.”

There’s conflict there.

I don’t know how to solve that conflict for you (assuming you experience it…you may not). But I do know how to solve it for me. I’m on team open your mouth. Team say the thing and see what happens.

It may go well. It may not. 

I can’t control the outcome. But I can know my own values and live within them.

With that, here’s an inspiring message for your Sunday contemplating:

“The free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it – basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them.”  - Charles Bukowski

Wishing you a day (and life) of feeling good,

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