#251: Pouring Money Down the Drain

Something soul-affirming that I do as a new mom is pour money down the drain.

Specifically in the form of coffee that’s gone cold.

“Nope,” I thought yesterday, as my previously piping hot cup touched my lips.

So I walked over to our kitchen sink and gleefully dumped it out.

“This isn’t how I’m doing motherhood,” I said with the gesture.

Because it’s not.

For years, I’ve heard from mothers who lost themselves completely to the task of raising children.

Their sense of self – gone.

Their delight in human-ing – out the window.

They did what they “had” to do (aka what our society told them they had to do), then ended up deeply:

Depleted.
Resentful.
Unhappy.

And I’m not sure if you’ve followed my writing journey long enough to know this, but I’ve already had my unhappy years. I entered adulthood with a crippling addiction issue as well as chronic depression.

I then devoted a decade or so to finding freedom. To connecting to my delight. To finding a way to enjoy being a human on planet Earth, instead of feeling like life was a heavy burden.

And, miraculously, the things I did worked. I am, most days, the most satisfied human I know.

In a plant medicine ceremony a year or two ago, I repeatedly shouted, “WHAT A LUCKY LIFETIME!!!!!!!!” as I floated in soaring bliss, cheering myself on for choosing the lifetime I chose (in shamanism, we believe that each of us chose the lifetime we’re living).

I want Winnie to grow up having a mom who radiates out THAT energy.

Who wakes up flooded with gratitude for the life she is living.

And that’s not just going to happen.

It will require intentionality. Prioritization. Boundaries. Mysticism. Devotion.

Deep, deep devotion.

And sometimes it will mean that I pour nineteen cents' worth of home-brewed coffee down the drain as a reclamation of self.

Worth it.

Xo,
Your friend who’s off to enjoy her last cup of hot coffee before Sam tells me that I need to switch to iced

Morning Musings is a delight-first writing practice where I wake up, put my fingers on the keyboard and see if any ideas want to play. The cherished humans who read these musings tend to see them as an invitation to slow down, have a virtual cup of coffee together, and contemplate the human experience. If you’d like to join our tribe, subscribe here: https://keelyc.substack.com/