Will That Route Get Me Where I Want To Go?

Or, remembering that you’re allowed to say no—even if someone’s trying to help

“Are you sure?” I asked, scrunching my nose as I looked up at the kind stranger who was helping me with directions. “It looks like that road takes me in the wrong direction.”

“Positive,” he said. “I’ve lived here my whole life. To get to the trailhead, you turn left out of this parking lot, then you…(insert step-by-step directions here).”

This can’t be right, I thought, mapping out the route he was giving me on my phone. This isn’t going to get me where I want to go.

So I showed him my phone. “These directions will get me to this trail?” I asked, pointing at my intended destination.

He looked, then shook his head. “No,” he said, pinching my screen to zoom out on the map. “That hike is dumb. I’m giving you directions to this trailhead. It’s the best hike in the area.”

I took my phone back, feeling confused. But I didn’t ask for your opinion on my plans, I thought. I told you where I was trying to go and asked for help with directions.

I thanked him, realizing it was time to wrap up the conversation. This stranger, no matter how friendly, wasn’t the right guide for me. “I appreciate your help. But, since I already picked this trail for today, I’m going to head in that direction.”

Then I did a friendly little wave, got in my car and drove off. That was weird, right? I wondered. It isn’t normal to give someone directions to a whole different place without giving them a heads up that that’s what you’re doing…right?

Spoiler alert: it isn’t. It’s super weird if you ask someone for directions and they try to navigate you somewhere else without even telling you that they’re changing your destination.

Now, to be transparent, the story above is just that: a story. I wrote it as an analogy because I want to drive home a point.

Sometimes in our lives, well-meaning helpers will attempt to give us directions to a place that we’re not trying to go. Not out of malice, spite, or anything sinister. Out of a genuine desire to be of service. “Why would she go to that dumb hike when she could go to the best one instead?” the made-up helper in my analogy probably wondered.

“Because the ‘best hike’ is subjective,” my analogy self would have responded…if he had asked. “Just because that’s your favorite hike doesn’t mean it’s the one I want to do. I’m clear on what I want and it’s the hike I picked.”

But he didn’t. He offered an opinion that didn’t acknowledge my preferences.

Fortunately, in the story, made-up me caught it. “This isn’t going to work,” I said, extracting myself from the situation.

Real-life me hasn’t always been so quick on the uptake. I went through a few rough years where I didn’t speak up, where I tried to follow other people’s directions instead of standing in my power. I didn’t yet know how to say, “It seems like perhaps your directions are taking me in the opposite direction of where I want to go. Are you certain that you’re navigating me to this trail? The one I’ve chosen? Not the one you think is best?”

Fortunately, I’ve had the chance to learn from my mistake. And now it’s incredibly helpful in my work with clients. Whenever someone signs up to work with me, I don’t assume that I know where they’re trying to go. Instead, I ask.

My favorite “hike” or life destination may not be what they want for themselves. And that’s perfectly alright. But it’s helpful for me to know—and even more helpful for clients to 1) get clear on what they want and 2) practice saying it—confidently and without fear of judgment.

A recent client used shamanic sessions to help decide between two job offers. Any guesses on what the energetic work was about?

Getting clear on where she wanted to go. Figuring out what kind of “hike” she wanted.

Was she seeking an endurance-building trail that would get her heart pumping? Or did she want a leisurely stroll with her friends?

Back when I was struggling, people who preferred challenging themselves kept giving me directions to grueling trails, but I’m a leisurely stroll kinda gal. I like to wiggle while I walk, and tend to choose trails where I can pick wild blueberries and enjoy myself.

In this specific instance, the client uncovered similar preferences. She wasn’t seeking a rigorous hike. She’s spent years climbing those and she’s ready for something different. Now she’s in a season of life where she wants to relax for a bit. Try the leisurely route. Have more time with friends. Savor some wild blueberries.

Once she got clear on that, the decision was easy. One job was the work equivalent of a grueling trail. The other was a leisurely stroll with friends. She didn’t need any external counsel; her inner wisdom offered complete clarity.

Importantly, the right trail for her might not be the right trail for her best friend, brother, partner, coworker or mailman. It might not even be the right trail for her future self.

We’re not all meant to choose the same trail, and we’re definitely not meant to feel trapped. Choosing one path today doesn’t mean we have to hike it every day for the rest of our lives.

We are, however, meant to have our preferences acknowledged. So, if you, like me and my client, already know which “hike” you want to do, you’re allowed to politely back away from well-meaning strangers (or friends, or family members) who attempt to steer you in a different direction.

Or run screaming if you’d like. It’s your life, after all.

If you enjoyed this post (or anything I share!), here are some things you can do that would make my heart sing.