Driving and Human-ing: How To Manuals

Photo by Ethan Hooson on Unsplash

Sam hates most American drivers. Especially Pennsylvania ones.

“GET OUT OF THE LEFT LANE,” he’ll roar at the driver going twenty miles below the speed limit, completely oblivious to how the passing lane is supposed to work.

“If people would just use the passing lane the way they’re supposed to, 75% of traffic problems would go away,” he’ll say.

And don’t get him started on untimed lights. What’s the point of even having a government if they can’t find one person to sync up the lights so you don’t bounce from red light to red light?! Flow people. He wants flow.

If you don’t already know, Sam has a process improvement background. He managed to convince his employer to let him complete Six Sigma training when he was 19, then built his early career by identifying and fixing flaws in systems.

Every company I’ve ever worked for would chuck me in the garbage bin in 17 seconds if they had the chance to hire Sam, but he’s a loyalist (Enneagram Type 6). Unlike the typical millenial, Sam’s only worked for three companies in his entire life (including his high school job – grocery store bagger of the year right on up to Business Transformation Lead at the corporate office).

And, while Sam is quite vocal about his opinions on American drivers, he has exactly zero complaints about Italian drivers.

“Look at this!” He shook me awake to say during a drive from Milan to Cinque Terre. “Watch how this driver is using his turn signal to shift lanes, getting in the passing lane exclusively to pass, using his signal to get back into the driving lane, then staying there until there’s someone else to pass.”

He wanted to invite every driver to get out of their car and shake his hand. In Italy, the system worked the way it’s supposed to. And Sam freaking LOVED it.

Now, I lack Sam’s fiery passion for good driving, but I am quite a fan of a good analogy. And here’s what I want to write about today: this driving thing with Sam…it’s exactly the same as mental health with me.

When Sam’s on the road, he’s able to see simple ways that things could be better.

Use the passing lane the way it’s supposed to be used and time the stoplights. Small tweaks. That’s all he wants.

He’s not trying to revamp the entire system, replacing drivers with driverless cars or switching from wheels-on-the-ground vehicles to hovercrafts. He’s not proposing we wipe the slate clean and start over. He just wants people to make minor improvements that will make a major difference.

It’s how I feel about well-being.

In the same way that Sam sits in traffic and sees very practical ways for things to improve, I listen to people talk about their quality of life and recognize incredibly simple ways for things to shift.

“Your doctor put you on antidepressants because you’ve lost all your vitality and you’re grieving the unfortunate combination of nature and nurture that made you prone to depression? Interesting.”

“Did you and your doctor happen to talk about the 12 hours a day you spend in a windowless office? Or that your mom died two months ago? Or that you haven’t had meaningful in-person relationships since the start of the pandemic?”

“Nope? Interesting.”

I just, deep down in my oh-so-emotional heart, want people to hear this:

If you don’t move your body in a way that feels good most days, it’s not weird if you don’t feel good.

If you spend hours every day scrolling through social media, bombarded with messages about all the ways you’re inferior so that you’ll purchase a product, it’s not weird if you don’t feel good.

If you haven’t had your bare feet on the grass recently and don’t get some sunlight on your skin most days, it’s not weird if you don’t feel good.

Humans have needs. Our society has gotten bad at meeting those needs. 

When your needs aren’t met, it’s unlikely that you’ll feel good.

Yes, things like nervous system dysregulation are real. So is chronic inflammation and unresolved trauma. For some people, there are very important things that need to be healed to find vitality, joie de vivre and a general sense of, “Yep, I’m into being a human.” I’m as into root-cause resolution as a human can get.

I just want “unmet human needs” to be on the list of root causes people explore. Likewise, I want to ensure that everyone knows a roadmap is out there. What a human needs to thrive–it’s not a mystery. In fact, you probably know everything on the list…just like most drivers know they shouldn’t be cruising in the passing lane.

It’s not a question of knowing WHAT to do. It’s about HOW. How do you shift societal driving habits so people get out of the left lane? How do you get quality time with friends you cherish when every ounce of energy you have goes into surviving your job? How do you find movement that feels good when you’ve been conditioned to believe that exercise is something you do to punish your body? How? How, how, how?

And, just like Sam believes that 75% of highway traffic problems would go away if people learned HOW to use the passing lane, I believe that 75% of mental health challenges would go away if people remembered HOW to human.

So I’m going to take a stab at writing an ebook on the topic. Thank you to everyone who gave me delicious affirmations when I brought it up in a comment earlier this week.

The working title is, “How to Human: The Instruction Manual You Would Have Gotten From Your Elders if Society Sucked Less.”

Because I’m going to go back and reread some of my favorite “How to Human” books, I wanted to see if anyone wants to join along. We can make it a book club. I’m thinking we’d start with Johann Hari’s Lost Connections and do a virtual gathering to discuss it sometime mid- to late- January. Let me know if you want to join!

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