Embracing Human-ing

A fear that I’ve been dancing with for the last few years is this:

I’ve been afraid of growing to like Earth too much.

Of growing to like my human experience too much.

Of really, truly, and deeply settling in here and becoming an Earth being.

Probably you too, right? When I look around, I see clues that lots of us are struggling with this particular fear: “You know, life on Earth is just so good right now that I’m worried I’ll never want to leave.”

That was sarcasm, by the way. Because what I actually see is the opposite. People complaining about life on Earth, bemoaning their human experience, suffering through each day as if the gift of life were an uphill battle.

And I don’t mean that in a judge-y way because, for a long time, I felt that way. The first time I remember praying to die was when I was in elementary school. I sat on my childhood bed and prayed with childlike faith for my childhood god to pretty, pretty, pretty please end things immediately because there had obviously been a mistake in sending me to this wreck of a planet.

And, in all truth, my early years were hard. I was restless, irritable, and discontent. I didn’t feel like I belonged. I struggled to be content in anyone’s company but my own and my cousin Jess’s. Until I discovered drinking, which made me more than happy to be in anyone’s company. But then I developed a habit of getting arrested for public intoxication, etc., etc., and landed in rehab at the ripe ol’ age of 22.

Then there were the years of dealing with the depression that was the root cause of my daily blackout drinking.

And the years of feeling inadequate, insecure, and ill-equipped to navigate a human experience.

Then…

I don’t know. Something changed.

If you ask my brothers what, they’ll say that I sat in the right caves with the right shamans and consumed the right drugs at the right time.

And they might be right. Plant medicines did me a world of good.

But so did a bunch of other things. And now I find myself in this place where, instead of resenting being a human on Earth, I really, really, really love it here.

The reason I’ve occasionally resisted loving my human experience is that I belong to a spiritual lineage that believes we are star beings traveling through multiple lifetimes and dimensions.

And I haven’t been sure that Earth is as good as it gets, so I didn’t want to go all in. Didn’t want to fully commit. Preferred to keep my options open.

It’s even come up in interactions with mine and Sam’s spirit babies. I’d see them in the spirit world but be kind of ambivalent about calling them in. “Eh, I don’t know, guys,” I’d say. “Where you are now might be better than coming here. We’d love to have you, but I don’t blame you if you decide not to make the journey to Earth.”

But do you know how I talk to our baby now? I tell her about how great Earth is. About how much I enjoy my human experience. About my hopes and dreams for her human experience. About my predictions that she’ll really enjoy it here.

Also, about Sam’s nudges to be born before December 31st for tax purposes. It’s important to represent your husband well when you get to wear the mystical hat in the relationship.

Because, at some point over the last few years, I stopped resisting letting this be home. Letting Earth be home. Letting my human body be home. About taking the chance of coming back here for dozens of incarnations.

I still don’t know if this is the best there is. If I’m being honest, I suspect it’s not. Because we’re still pretty immature as a species, according to my teachers. We’re going through the bumpy teenage years where we’re not even invited to the galactic federations because we can’t stop being idiots who murder each other and fight wars.

But my teachers also say this: for us to make the great leap, for us to ascend to the beautiful levels that we can get to – there have to be a few of us who are willing and able to appreciate the current stage of the journey for what it is.

Because there are beautiful, beautiful, achingly beautiful parts of this stage in the journey. Things that we’ll miss when we’re perfect and awakened and universally enlightened.

So I’m raising my hand to delight in my human experience, as is. To be happy here, even while things are still a smidgen messy.

And I’ve written about mostly normal things for a while, so I just wanted to remind everyone that I’m still weird.

Xo,

Keely

Morning Musings is a delight-first writing practice where I wake up, put my fingers on the keyboard and “learn in public” (credit: Liz Gilbert). The delightful humans who read these musings tend to see them as an invitation to slow down, have a virtual cup of coffee together, and contemplate the human experience. If you’d like to join our tribe, subscribe here: https://keelyc.substack.com/