Friends Who Celebrate Your No

Two street rats in Ireland | Photo by Gyula

I’ve written enough about my friend Sneh for everyone to know who she is, right?

We met when we were neighbors in Koh Phangan, Thailand and quickly formed a soul-level friendship.

And do you know how that soul-level friendship was cemented? The moment that glued us together, the moment that turned us from neighbors into “we’re probably going to be vacationing together in our eighties” level friends?

One afternoon, Sneh made a bid for human connection and I said, “Not today, Satan,” and then boom – lifelong friends.

Just kidding. But I did laugh really hard when I wrote that and a delight-first writing practice means I’m in this for my own delight, so the line stays.

Here’s what actually happened:

One afternoon, early in our friendship, Sneh made a bid for human connection.

She texted me after a challenging day at work (she still worked in the fancy, high-power, high-stress world of global tech at the time) and asked if I could come over.

Her exact words are lost to the version of WhatsApp that lives on my last phone, but the basic message was, “I’ve had a really hard day and your presence would be appreciated.”

Sneh is, at her core, someone who understands that our relationships are our greatest asset. She values her people. More than her things, more than her to-do list, more than… well, everything. Sneh has the “recognition” prosperity archetype and the recognition prosperity archetype is all about relationships.

Knowing this about herself, Sneh did the thing that wise humans do. She identified what would help her and she asked for it.

“I could use a friend right now,” the essence of her message said. “Because the presence of a friend I cherish would be the difference between wallowing in my challenging day or shifting out of it.”

But there was a problem.

I was also having a challenging day. I was in Thailand because China wasn’t approving spouse visas during Covid, so I had already been apart from Sam for a month or two. I missed him and was feeling frustrated.

And what I needed was the opposite of what Sneh needed - when I’m down, I take a hermit day. And it’s not avoidant or maladaptive or any of the other diagnoses that our obsessed-with-pathologies society would put on it. It’s just what works for me.

So I picked up the phone and called Sneh. I told her that, if she really needed me, I would be there. But I told the truth. I said that it would come at a high personal cost because I was also having a challenging day and 24 hours of hermit-ing was the medicine I needed.

And do you know how Sneh responded?

She told me not to come over. That she and Gyula, her partner, would have a quiet “just us” evening and it would work just as well as having a “the three of us” evening. And when she got off the phone with me, she turned to Gyula and said, “What a marvelous human.”

I told Sneh, “No,” and her response was to turn to her partner and say, “What a marvelous human.”

That is why Sneh and I will be friends in our eighties.

That is why I am deeply devoted to her.

That is why she is one of my teachers and role models for “how to relationship.”

I have existed on teams and in relationships where self-sacrifice is celebrated. Where you prove your devotion to the team or project by the number of sacrifices you’re willing to make. And do you know what has been true in those instances? The vast majority of the sacrifices were completely and utterly unnecessary.

We made sacrifices not because sacrifice was the only option, like in times of faminine or other genuine crises. We defaulted to self-sacrifice because we didn’t know how to communicate. How to foundation-build. How to get and stay in alignment. 

Sneh and I – we’re happy to do the hard work of improving our communication skills. Of building a strong foundation. Of getting and staying in alignment. Because we much prefer that hard work to the misery and bitterness that accompanies martyr-y self-sacrifice.

What a gift to have a friend with such aligned core values. I celebrate it with every fiber of my being.

Wishing you friends who celebrate your no,

Keely

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Morning Musings is a delight-first writing practice where I wake up, put my fingers on the keyboard and “learn in public” (credit: Liz Gilbert). If anything I write resonates with you, please share it freely.