Maximum Gusfulness, Invoking Kali and Feeling Fully “Lit Up”

Photo by Lina Trochez on Unsplash

For years and years, my favorite prayer was, “May I be of maximum Gusfulness.”

I didn’t pray to be of maximum usefulness because I believe in strengths-based service. At this very moment, there are at least 417 weakness-based ways I could be useful, but I don’t particularly care for anyone else’s opinion about how I can be most useful. I care about sucking the marrow from the bone during this trip to Earth. I want to get as much as I can from this human experience and, for this bundle of nature and nurture, that means ruthless prioritization.

That’s why I always asked to be of maximum GUSfulness.

Gus stands for “Great Universal Spirit” and it’s the word I adopted when I had to find a higher power in early recovery. “God” was too loaded of a term for me, too religious, too bogged down with ideas and rules and restrictions. (That’s no longer true, but it was at the time.)

But Gus – no preconceived notions there. It was an untainted word, a concept I could make my own.

Gus was largely that small voice of wisdom inside of me that always knew the next right thing to do. It was me opting in, choosing to believe that there was a benevolent creator out there, some form of intelligence or consciousness that had skin in the game, that cared about what was happening on our planet.

So, when I prayed to “be of maximum Gusfulness,” I was praying to be put to good use…in a way that aligned with my strengths and preferences. I was seeking a form of contribution that lit me up, that filled my cup, that made me happy to be a human on Earth.

Because I used to struggle with depression, that nuance was important to me. I wanted to do good but I also wanted to feel good. And, frankly, if I had to choose between doing good and feeling good — if only one option was on the table – I’d choose feeling good every time.

If you’ve ever struggled with depression, I’m guessing you’d make the same choice. Once you’ve experienced the depletion and despair that comes with depression, it’s hard to put anything above feeling good. Not because you’re selfish or self-centered, but because you’ve gained wisdom. You know that when you’re at a depressed low, you have nothing to offer anyone. So you learn to prioritize keeping your tank full, because that’s what wise people do: learn from the lessons life offers them.

I hadn’t yet discovered Human Design when, “May I be of maximum Gusfulness,” was my daily prayer, but now I understand where it comes from. 

Anyone who’s a Manifesting Generator (my type) or a Generator NEEDS to honor that sensation of feeling lit up by what they’re doing. It is the only way (and I mean the ONLY way) that they can live in alignment. (This may also be true for Manifestors, but I’m still learning and I’m not 100% sure about that yet.

If you’re a Generator or a Manifesting Generator and you’re not lit up by what you’re doing, you’re frequently causing more harm than good, no matter how “useful” you feel. It’s like that quote Liz Gilbert loves: “You can always tell people who live for others by the anguished expressions on the faces of the others." (Source unknown)

Now, I want to be impeccable with my word when I say things like this, so I’m going to provide some context: if you have a dysregulated nervous system, unresolved trauma, active addiction or unmet human needs (for example, you lack a strong and supportive community), your internal cues might be off. Jumping from thing to thing, hoping to find what lights you up 100% of the time is unlikely to work. Not because your “thing” isn’t out there (it is, I promise you–it just might not be your job like our culture wants you to believe), but because there are inner world things you need to address. Outside circumstances can never bring lasting fulfillment if your inner world is a swirling maelstrom of pain.

But I’m getting off-topic here. One inch piece of the story at a time, Keely. One inch.

This idea of being of maximum Gusfulness, of contributing in a way that fills your cup – it sometimes comes with an aspect that many people don’t like: in order to create space for the things that DO fill you up, you have to let go of the things that don’t.

Kali-style work. Destruction. Letting go. Releasing.

Fun if you have a soundtrack, but scary otherwise (soundtrack here).

I’m writing about it today because of a conversation with a friend who’s going through some changes. Circumstances in her life are shifting, so she has to spend time in the messy middle: that in-between window where the old is ending but the new hasn’t yet arrived.

And, as we talked, the main idea that floated to the top was around feeling lit up. Of releasing something that only partially lit her up in order to create space for something that fully lights her up.

It doesn’t mean the messy middle won’t hurt. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be tears or rage or pain or despair. The full range of human emotions is welcome in every circle I belong to (otherwise I leave the circle).

But it does mean that she can let go. That she can surrender. That she can trust.

And, when the messy middle ends, when whatever arrives becomes her new reality, she can know that she helped usher it in by being willing to burn down something that wasn’t fully right. But honoring her worth and knowing that she, just as much as you, just as much as me, deserves to feel fully lit up, whatever that looks like.

Wishing you that feeling,

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