The Difference Between Being Relaxed and Being "Chill"

You know how it’s 2024 and we’re all wise enough to know that comparing ourselves to others is the fastest path to misery?

Well, I’m going to start this musing out by comparing myself to others.

But, like, in favor of myself.

So I’m not just being unwise, but also big-headed. This strategy is probably great for being the kind of writer people want to read…

Here’s the comparison – I believe that, in many of the rooms I enter, I am the most relaxed person in the room. Not in all. But in many.

It’s partly because I don’t have many friends who are potheads and partly because I don’t yet know the Dalai Lama.

But it’s also because I’ve studied my charts and, according to my charts, relaxation is easier for me than it is for other people (just like, for my friend Julie, having an “intoxicating” presence is easier for her than it is for other people).*

My chart doesn’t just have “divine relaxation” in one key placement. It has it in three. Three!

My Gene Keys chart literally reads, “If you find yourself meeting resistance in life, it is because you have forgotten to take the easy way.”

So guys – I’m unwise, big-headed, and maybe not great at picking topics that will endear me to readers… but I’m also relaxed.

Some of it is because of tremendous good fortune. My human needs are met. I don’t live in a war zone. I’m married to Sam.

I also have a pleasant inner world. I don’t suffer from existential dread or despair, nor do I leave gatherings kicking myself if I accidentally say something stupid. I don’t spend time wondering if anyone’s judging something I said, did or wore. The part of my brain that used to ruminate switched off a few years ago.

Therefore, I tend to be pretty relaxed.

I am not, however, even remotely “chill.”

Do you know what I mean by that? The difference between being relaxed and being “chill”? (Also, I apologize. I think “chill” is a horrid word, but it’s essential to this discussion.)

I’m reading a book called “The Art of Gathering” by Priya Parker and, in it, she makes an impassioned case against being a “chill” host. In her book, as well as an essay she references, “chill” is defined as “the idea that it’s better to be relaxed and low-key, better not to care, better not to make a big deal.”

And the reason she’s against “chill” hosting is because it makes for miserable gatherings. Sure, be “chill” when hosting a small group of people who have been friends forever. But if you’re trying to do something extraordinary, please, don’t be chill. Care! Care deeply! Like how Sam’s team cared deeply when they planned the company’s annual celebration. They weren’t trying to be “chill.” They radiated passion. Glorious “we care deeply and this matters to us” passion.

In my opinion, being “chill” would be me saying yes to 10:00 AM coffee dates when I know that morning is my peak creative time. I’d seem more laid back and easygoing if I just agreed to go with the flow and join the existing gathering.

But would I end up on my deathbed wondering what would have happened if I’d actually pursued my hopes and dreams instead saying yes to things that I didn’t want to go to? Probably.

What a not-chill statement, huh? Taking one 10:00 AM coffee date and extrapolating it out to deathbed regrets. But that’s exactly what I mean when I say that I’m not chill.

When it comes to the things that matter to me, I’m intense.

Like… really intense.

And, I believe that’s why I’m so relaxed. Because when my “big rocks” are tended to, when my priorities stay front and center in my life – then I really don’t fret about any of the little stuff.

That, to me, is true relaxation. Deep relaxation. The kind of “divine relaxation” my chart promises.

The kind that I’m all about.

So please – from your big-headed, unwise, but gratefully relaxed friend – please, please, please put deep relaxation ahead of shallow “chill.”

Pretending not to care about things that matter deeply to us is a fast track to deathbed regrets. And we certainly don’t want those, do we?!

In intensity,

Your friend who was writing something laidback this morning, realized there was an area of life where she was lying to herself, and then wrote this

* If you want help tapping into what your “unfair advantage” is based on your chart (relaxation for me and an “intoxicating” presence for Julie), join my “Let’s Play” email list (available here) and I’ll reach out when I’m in your time zone and have Human Design reading openings.

***

Morning Musings is a delight-first writing practice where I make a cup of coffee, dance around my house a little bit, then put my fingers on the keyboard and see what comes up.

Some folks find these musings helpful. If you know anyone who might like this musing, please share it freely.

***

To receive my morning musings in your inbox, subscribe here: https://keelyc.substack.com/