An Insight into Social Fulfillment that Blew This Loner's Mind
Photo by Daniel Burka on Unsplash
The most interesting idea I heard in 2022 came from a podcast.
I was strolling along the Dasha River in Shenzhen, lulled into a meditative state by the repetitive pounding of my feet, enjoying every minute of my daily-ish walk in nature.
Then I heard Cassandra Bodzak, the guest, say something that all but stopped me in my tracks.
“I used to think of myself as a loner,” she said (I’m paraphrasing because this podcast host doesn’t publish transcripts and I’m not motivated enough by capturing an exact quote to re-listen to the whole episode).
“But then I realized something,” she continued. “The reason I always thought of myself as a loner isn’t because I’m actually a loner.”
“It’s because I’m so GD delighted by the things I do when I’m on my own that virtually no social invitation excites me.”
Like me, Cassandra is a writer. She’s also a meditation teacher. And a wellness junkie.
Filling days and weeks on end with quiet, solo activities – ain’t no thang for either of us. We came to Earth with missions that require us to spend lots of time alone in quiet contemplation, and we’re both thrilled with the missions our souls chose. When we’re alone, doing our thing – we’re generally 10 out of 10 satisfied.
Alone, in my own company, I have been bored twice in the last five years. Twice. Once in July 2021 when I was alone in Dubai for 8 weeks. Then again in December, when I was intentionally not engaging with my work + freezing rain in Pennsylvania kept me indoors.
Now, this is going to sound a bit harsh, but please trust me when I say that I mean it with the tenderest of love: do you know how often I have been bored in the company of others over the last five years?
It’s far more than two times, I can tell you that.
90% of the world is chattier than I am. Unless we are building a business, solving a problem, or putting something beautiful out into the world together – I really don’t want to sit and chat for any longer than 30 minutes. If we’re sharing a meal, that number goes up. If we’re on the phone, that number goes down.
It’s inconvenient to be built this way. My life would be much simpler if I didn’t want to start crawling out of my skin after 30 minutes of “so what’s going on in your life?” chatting.
But I didn’t opt in for a convenient life. I opted in for a fascinating life. A purpose-driven life. A rich and rewarding and fulfilling life.
So I just file it away as an “it is what it is” thing. I’m the kind of person who can’t handle sitting and chatting for a long time because sitting and chatting isn’t an activity I enjoy. Unless I’m either buzzed or on my way to getting there. But I haven’t had a drink since 2010, so… let’s just make it conclusive and say it’s not an activity I enjoy.
That’s why Cassandra’s insight on this podcast was so interesting to me.
“The reason I thought of myself as a loner for such a long time,” she continued, “Wasn’t because I was surrounded by the wrong people. It’s because there was activity misalignment.”
Activity misalignment! The reason Cassandra preferred to do things on her own had more to do with the proposed activity than the person who was extending the invitation.
So Cassandra acted on her insight. Instead of accepting invitations to do things she didn’t actually want to do, she started inviting people to do the things that she loved doing on her own.
She took activities that already delighted her but, instead of doing them solo, like she had been doing for years, she invited other people to join her.
“Want to go on a hike, collect rocks, then do a manifestation ceremony to increase the odds of humans growing out of this immature tendency to wage war?” she’d ask.
And some people said, “Err… no thanks.” But others said, “That’s the best invitation I’ve ever received.”
Very quickly, Cassandra became the most socially fulfilled she’d ever been.
And I’m about to become the most socially fulfilled I’ve ever been. Because, as of February 1st, I’ll officially be living in Hong Kong. And, unlike in Shenzhen, all of the activities that light up my soul exist here. Not only that, but they’re easy to find (I love me some Google).
Perhaps most importantly, there’s also a critical mass of people who already love the things I love. Yesterday, for example, I was 10 minutes into lunch with a new Hong Kong friend when she asked me if I had ever heard of the Gene Keys.
The Gene Keys! It’s only my current obsession!!!
What a life. I’m so excited about this move.
Love,
Your friend who can’t seem to manage to write a short musing at the moment
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Morning Musings is a delight-first writing practice where I make a cup of coffee, dance around my house a little bit, then put my fingers on the keyboard and see what comes up.
Some folks find these musings helpful. If you know anyone who might like this musing, please share it freely.
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