Trying Something New

I have this weird quirk where I feel like I need to have everything fully sorted before I share a plan.

It’s part personal preference, part maladaptive coping mechanism. And, it’s not even that much of a weird quirk anymore: it’s something that used to be very true for me and now it’s only kinda sorta true.

Back in the day, I wouldn’t start the communication cycle with, “Oh wow, there’s this really interesting job in Thailand that just came on my radar.”

Instead, I wait until I was on the final interview to say, “So I’m applying for this job in Thailand and, if I get it, I’ll be moving there in a few weeks.”

I’d inform instead of include, largely because I experienced the world as intrusive, overwhelming and draining (which, by the way, is very common for Enneagram Type Fives. If you’re intrigued by the Enneagram, I suggest Ian Morgan Cron’s “The Road Back to You”).

In many ways, this tendency has already shifted. Sam is welcomed into my decision-making weeks and months earlier than he used to be. Sometimes, I think he even wishes I would go back to my old way. “No, Keely, I don’t have an opinion on if you should wear your black cape or your maroon cape for your shamanic session next week. I do, however, have an opinion on you wearing capes. Would you like to hear it?”

But, this morning, I noticed this, “I need to have my full plan ready before I communicate anything,” thing arise. I have seven weeks of Eat, Pray, Love style travel coming up and it’s going to affect standing meetings for a volunteer commitment.

I need to notify the people who attend those meetings, but I haven’t done so yet. Not because I have emailing challenges (though I do – please don’t feel offended if I don’t answer you for months. I don’t answer so many things for months).

I’m holding off because that old urge to have everything sorted is coming up. To inform instead of include. To feel safe by saying, “These are my plans, thank you for not intruding, oh ye overwhelming world.”

These meetings are tricky. I signed up for the commitment when the ask was much smaller: one single monthly meeting. But, in the last few months, it’s shifted to multiple weekly meetings.

The shift is due to life being life-y. I wish that it hadn’t happened, but it did. And, since I went along with it, I consented.

Now I feel a little trapped. I suspect other people do too, but that’s a whole other subject.

While I want to say, “Hey, I’m not going to be available for regular calls while I’m traveling,” the thought of doing so fills me with all sorts of icky feelings. Some of them are wildly disempowering, like being afraid to upset others. But others are more compassionate in nature. I don’t want to make other people’s lives unnecessarily difficult.

However, I have a very real and understandable truth that needs to be shared: I want my calendar to be open because I’m going to be on a series of retreats. While I can easily make space for a life-or-death phone call, it’s best not to go into a retreat with a calendar full of Zoom calls.

But…I’m the only one on the team who would ever fill her calendar with retreats AND the only one who would ask for a break from calls. The cultural norm in this group is to show your commitment to the team by making sacrifices. (Or, at least that’s how it feels to me. Who knows if it’s actually true.)

And, for a whole host of reasons, I’m not confident or empowered in speaking up with this group. So it’s smart to have a plan before I open my mouth. Otherwise, it’s very possible that I’ll just agree to keep all the calls on my calendar, then seethe in a simmering stew of unspoken resentment as I get pulled away from my retreats.

I don’t want that energy in my life.

Here’s what’s different than in the past: instead of sitting here, avoiding the situation or trying to figure it all out myself, I tried something new. I reached out to Sneh and said, “Hey, I have this thing going on. Do you have availability for a session?”

Because, while advice is welcome and I have plenty of wise people in my life who can offer insight, I’m not actually all that hungry for advice. What I want is a coaching session. I want to be coached through this process because that’s what feels most helpful to me.

And, fortunately, I have someone who can help me with that.

Liz Gilbert gets fired up about the “rugged individualism” that pervades our culture. The belief that we have to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, that we should be able to do everything and anything alone. One of my friends told me it’s called “compulsive self-reliance” in Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings.

This tendency–it’s dysfunctional. Compulsive self-reliance is NOT something to pat yourself on the back for. It’s something sad. Something sad that’s very linked to things that are broken in our society.

So, here’s a story about how I’m trying to break the pattern. Wishing you a beautiful Saturday, full of clarity, insight and the kind of support you want.

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Urgency