"Doing IVF" ≠ Sad Panda
Before our embryo transfer
An outdated belief about IVF is this:
That IVF is only for people who are desperate for children. Couples who feel incomplete without a little one at home.
It’s possible that was true at one time. Maybe in the early days of this technology being introduced, when it was still a risky procedure with unknown outcomes.
But honestly, I doubt it even then. I bet there were wild men and women who shrugged their shoulders and said, “Yeah, I’m game. Let’s give it a go.”
And these days?
It’s definitely not true. The vast majority of people I know who are using this oh-so-beautiful technology – there’s not one drop of desperation in their veins.
There’s often a yearning, sure.
Sometimes a longing. At times, the feeling is as mild as curiosity.
But desperation? I just don’t see it.
And I want to be someone who is sharing this message. Loudly. Widely. Frequently.
Because we still live in an age where couples who share that they’re doing IVF are met with condolences.
Condolences!
Condolences!!
And do you know what?
It kind of sucks.
So please, before you offer your apologies to a couple who is using assisted reproductive technology…
Maybe find out how they feel about the situation?
In our case, condolences weren’t welcome. We felt pretty darn happy to be pursuing an option we felt good about. And I, unfortunately, did not know how many sorries were going to come my way when I accidentally started sharing publicly about our journey, so I didn’t proactively write any, “Please keep your condolences away from me,” musings.
Then, when we were in the thick of it, I felt too guilty to publish anything saying this. Because I knew that the people who were offering condolences were doing it from a place of love.
A place of deep, deep, deeeeeeeep love.
But honestly, I hated it.
Hated. It.
And if you happened to be someone who offered me condolences, please don’t stress out about it. Please don’t apologize or feel guilty or wish that you had done something differently.
How could you know? I don’t expect anyone to be able to read my mind.
It’s my job to inform others how I would like to be treated.
And now I have.
So, on behalf of the IVF community, here’s my two cents: kindly stuff your sorries in a sack.
At least until you find out the couple’s stance.
Love,
Keely
Morning Musings is a delight-first writing practice where I wake up, put my fingers on the keyboard and “learn in public” (credit: Liz Gilbert). The delightful humans who read these musings tend to see them as an invitation to slow down, have a virtual cup of coffee together, and contemplate the human experience. If you’d like to join our tribe, subscribe here: https://keelyc.substack.com/
