Some Thoughts on Depression
Photo by Sean Oulashin on Unsplash
Another delayed publication musing: originally written July 15th. The clue I discuss in this musing — it opened all the best doors and I’m feeling much better.
***
I am, at this particular moment in time, mildly depressed.
According to me, at least.
I haven’t gone to a doctor or therapist or mental health professional to validate my suspicion because… well, I don’t really care what they have to say.
The first time I sought help for depression, during my sophomore year of college, I cared deeply about what professionals had to say. Because something was wrong with me. Very wrong. And I had no idea what to do about it.
I didn’t know why I was broken or what it would take to fix me, but something was wrong and I was in over my head.
Today – I’m not in over my head.
I’m not broken.
I don’t need fixing.
And, while I’d prefer to feel differently as soon as humanly possible, there’s really not anything wrong.
Please don’t mistake what I’m saying – if I felt like I was in danger of harming myself or doing something with lasting repercussions, I wouldn’t be talking about this so flippantly. I’d be on a plane to Ecuador, or signed up with the best professional I could find, or more or less living at an energy worker’s house.
But the only thing I’m in danger of right now is boredom. Boredom and frustration. And maybe gaining a few extra wrinkles because who can be bothered with things like skincare?
Also looking like a bum. And not making any forward progress on my goals. And…
But honestly, that’s exactly my point. None of the things that I’m “in danger of” are even remotely dangerous.
You remember that we’re allowed to be bored sometimes, right? That it can actually be an intensely powerful part of the human experience?
Same with feeling frustrated. Same with not caring about things like your skin for a bit.
I had an aha moment this morning because I thought that IVF-related hormone junk was the root cause of my particular funk.
But then I remembered that Sam and I spent three days at the beach last weekend, and I didn’t feel even one iota depressed a single moment we were there.
And, if you’ve ever attended one of Therese’s and my depression workshops, you’ll know that this distinction – do you feel different when you’re where you want to be? – is the very first thing we encourage people to examine.
If you feel differently when you’re in a different place – when you’re at the beach or when you’re on a dive trip or when you’re at your mom’s or you-name-it – then your primary issue *at this moment (important!)* isn’t your brain chemicals or your hormones or your trauma or your inflammation.
Because those things don’t change overnight.
If you feel instantly better in a new environment, your environment is where you focus your attention.
Not because it’s the only factor, not even because it’s the biggest factor. But because it’s the most addressable factor. The lowest-hanging fruit. The best return on the effort:reward ratio.
And sure – being overmedicated and over-hormoned and all of that jazz played a role in my current state. They’re what pushed me into this low. What pulled me away from being delighted by my day-to-day life.
But our getaway? It gave me the clue I needed. Because while hormones were the original culprit, they’re clearly no longer my primary issue. If they were, I wouldn’t have felt any better at the beach than I do at our apartment.
But I did. I felt so much better.
And now I know. Thanks, aha moments. Thanks, getaways. Thanks, lucky lifetime.
Goodness, does writing feel good.
Xo,
Your mildly depressed but supremely optimistic pal
Morning Musings is a delight-first writing practice where I wake up, put my fingers on the keyboard and “learn in public” (credit: Liz Gilbert). The delightful humans who read these musings tend to see them as an invitation to slow down, have a virtual cup of coffee together, and contemplate the human experience. If you’d like to join our tribe, subscribe here: https://keelyc.substack.com/
