When where you are is where you want to be
When I talk about “the deliciousness of exhaustion,” do you know what I mean?
I’m talking about that point where you’re so tired that settling in for rest feels blissful. Ecstatic. Like there is nowhere better you could be, no more noble pursuit you could be pursuing.
I think a lot of women experience that during their first trimester.
Pure, delicious, “there’s nowhere I’d rather be than curled up in my bed” exhaustion.
I didn’t.
I instead experienced low energy.
If nuances don’t matter to you, that probably doesn’t sound like much of a difference. “Yep, pregnant ladies get tired during their first trimester. Heard.”
But in my book, there’s a big difference between exhaustion and low energy.
Because I didn’t have that feeling of being completely wiped out. There was no sense that the absolute best place for me to be was under the covers.
Instead, there was a lot of time spent on my couch or in my bed, feeling vaguely discontent.
“This isn’t quite where I want to be,” I’d think, “But it’s the best worst option.”
Because, aside from floating in the sea, there really wasn’t anywhere I wanted to be.
I didn’t want to be in a yoga class; I’d only go because I felt like I should.
I didn’t want to be out on a walk; I’d only go because I remembered how good walking used to feel.
I didn’t want to be watching Bridgerton; I just couldn’t think of anything else to do.
Same with the trash fiction I devoured.
Also, come to think of it, all the Goldfish I devoured.
No, I take that back. Those I wanted.
It was a weird period. And it’s not a past-tense chapter yet.
I still don’t have my energy back. The vague discontent that has been my companion for many weeks now – it still visits me quite often.
And I think it would be super lovely if I had a pretty bow to tie this all up with, but I don’t.
Aside from saying that yesterday, after I finally saged our apartment and got energy moving in this space (I couldn’t do it previously because the smell made me nauseous), I had two gorgeous experiences.
First, when I slept in until a time that would horrify most responsible adults, I lingered in bed because it felt so freaking good to be resting.
Not because I couldn’t think of anything else to do with my time, the way it has been. But because I was exactly where I wanted to be. It felt good to be there. Delicious, even.
Second, when my time curled up on the couch with a book turned into a three-hour cat nap – oh my. Was it also scrumptious.
Most of the teachers I like – these are the kinds of clues they tell you to watch out for. The moments where there’s no resistance. No feelings of wishing you were elsewhere. Where there’s complete alignment between where you are and where you want to be.
Integrity, they call it. Inner and outer worlds lining up.
Wishing us both lots and lots of that,
Keely
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